


A Pressing Need to Save the Universe (Sidenote: Not Always Successful)

by alexanderhammyton



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/M, Gen, Humor, Jack is so horny, Jack is the best bro, River can be stupid, River is a stubborn person, and a little shit, because reasons, idk - Freeform, kind of, oh well, sex can be dangerous, so is River, the Doctor can be a little shit, they are kinky Time Lords
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 18:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4532271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderhammyton/pseuds/alexanderhammyton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When one is married to River Song, you learn to be prepared, because she can be a little shit.</p><p> </p><p>Or:</p><p> </p><p>5 times River was stupid and that one time the Doctor was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Pressing Need to Save the Universe (Sidenote: Not Always Successful)

**Author's Note:**

> So I a literal trashcan author right now because its 1 in the morning. My first 5+1 things, kind of. Oh well.

                She really should stop doing this, she thinks as she dodges around the laser blasts and little explosions cropping up around them, the Doctor trailing behind her, panting heavily. Guards are shooting at them from every direction, and she feels a blaze of heat on the side of her face and a searing pain before blood runs into her left eye and she’s forced to slow and wipe it away.

                “River, what the hell are we still doing here?” The Doctor yells from behind her. “We should get back to the TARDIS.” She turns and grins manically at him, and he thinks she looks rather frightening, with blood running down half her face and the wild look in her eye. She thinks she should stop, but where would the fun be in that?

                “Because, Sweetie,” she shouts over her shoulder, “You probably don’t remember where you parked her anyway, and I haven’t had my fun yet.” She punctuates the sentence by firing a shot from her pistol over her shoulder. The Doctor hears a yell from behind them and knows she’s hit someone. They both run several more yards before they see yet another set of guards come round the corner in front of them. He sees River smirk, pulling an additional pistol out of the other holster and spinning it on her finger before firing off several rounds into the oncoming guards, who retaliate by throwing small grenades into the wreckage around them. The grenades blow through the columns holding up the building, and the Doctor is nearly hit by falling debris. 

                “River! We should go now!” He shouts as the building begins to cave in and crumble around them.

                “Not yet!” A grenade blows through another column; another, through the wood paneling above their heads. A stabbing pain rips through his side.

                “River!”

                The building explodes in a blinding flash of orange and white and red, coupled with a deafening thump and loud bangs. He feels a hot, burning sensation over his back, before everything fades out to an inky blackness.

                He comes round to find himself face down in a pile of rubble, with blood obscuring his vision, the source of which is a long cut running from the top of his forehead, over his eyebrow to the bottom of his earlobe. Damn it. He likes this face. Maybe he still has some of that state of the art surgical glue that he’d swiped from the Sisters of the Infinite Schism. Speaking of which, he should ask the TARDIS to restock the med bay, since these sorts of escapades with River now seemed to be commonplace.

                A slight shift in his position brings his attention back to the throbbing pain in his side, which turns out to be a large splinter of wood lodged up under his ribcage. He drops his head back onto the rubble with a groan, trying to decide the best course of action. On one hand, a paintbrush-sized splinter in his side would seriously hamper his escape plan; on the other, he really didn’t fancy bleeding out and regenerating in this building that’s falling down on him. He makes his decision, reaching down and giving the wood a tug, swearing loudly as it comes free. Thankfully, the wound didn’t seem too serious, although a good amount of blood soaked his shirt and jacket.

               A ragged gasp for air from a few feet away startles him and he looks over to his right, immediately scrambling to his feet in shock and regretting it when his side gives a painful twinge.

                River is lying on her back in the rubble, her face covered in soot and blood and her eyes wide in fear as she struggles to breathe. The sleeve of her black cat suit is caught on a protruding piece of rebar slightly above her, red dripping off her finger-tips to pool behind her head.

                “River!” He kneels down beside her, pulling a small metal beam off her abdomen. She’s panting heavily; her ribs are obviously broken. Whether or not they punctured a lung is another matter, but since she’s not coughing blood, he doesn’t think so.

                “Can’t…breathe…” she pants. “Right…side…collapsed…probably.” A quick look at her neck confirms her hunch.

                 Quickly, he unhooks her sleeve from the rebar, scooping her up, his side protesting loudly, and starting to carry her through the wreckage to the TARDIS, picking his way around burning wood and crushed marble and stone. River passes out as he gets them inside the door.

                He just gets her to the med bay, setting her on the table to begin rummaging around in the draws before he finds what he’s looking for: an empty syringe. He pulls the plunger all the way out, and stabs the needle through the right side of River’s chest, just between her ribs.

                The effect is instantaneous. He hears the air rush out of the tube, and River draws in a great breath of air, ragged coughs tearing from her chest as she regains consciousness. She collapses back onto the table, breathing deeply.

                “Ow,” she breathes nonchalantly, beginning to inspect the rest of the damage done. The Doctor gives a relieved sort of noise of amusement before helping her inventory her injuries.

                “Sweetie, your face!”  

                “Hmm?” He lifts his hand to his forehead, wincing as he remembers the cut on his face. “Oh don’t worry; it’s nothing glue won’t fix.”

                “It doesn’t look like nothing,” River says, trying to sit up and instantly grabbing her side. “Shit!”

                “Well your ribs are definitely broken,” the Doctor says. River glares at him.

                “No shit Sherlock!”

                Their total injuries were as follows: River had a (repaired) collapsed lung, shrapnel imbedded in her left thigh and right calf, two broken ribs, and a ragged, gaping wound on her wrist from where the rebar had gouged through her jumpsuit. The Doctor had the puncture wound in his side, a concussion, the long gash on his face, and a broken wrist (he hadn’t really noticed it). All in all, they were about even, but River was worse (he was promptly slapped when he mentioned this)

**River: 1**

**Doctor: 0**

 

******

 

                This is so bloody stupid, River thought. Really, it was her who had been bloody stupid, but hindsight is help to no one who has managed to break their nose during sex. As far as River knows (hehe, nose), she is the only one who that particular hindsight would be helpful to. Except maybe Jack, who had laughed so hard he was reduced to a teary eyed jackass gasping for air when River had called him over video with tape over her nose and two black eyes.

                “Jack, would you shut the fuck up?” she snapped when he had calmed down a little bit, sounding very nasally. Naturally, this sent Jack into another fit of giggles.  River sat there scowling as he tried to contain his mirth. Finally, five minutes later, he had calmed down enough to say:

                “Don’t worry Riv, I’ve been there. But if I may ask, what the _fuck_ were you doing that led to such an, erm, interesting injury?”

                “You first. You’ve been here?”

                “Oh yeah. Well, it was with this lovely Earth couple who had a particular fascination with martial arts. Very interesting foreplay though. Your turn.” He winked.

                “I won’t say much, but I will tell you it involved edible massage oil and an unfortunately bouncy bed. Oh, and we were trying out that new thing you sent us. So fuck you for this.”  

                Jack whistled. “Well done Riv! Edible massage oil though. And hey, my offer from two years ago still stands, if you and your lovely husband would be privy.”

                “I’ll talk to him about it, but after tonight it may be a while.”

                “Riv come on, your blue-balling me!” he whined, making a pretend pouty face.

                “Somehow I highly doubt that,” River said dryly.

**River: 2**

**Doctor: 0**

******

 

                “Alright River, on three. One, two-“

                Crack!

                “Ow ow ow ow, shit! You son of a bitch!” River shouted, clutching her left shoulder. “Fuuuuck.” She drew the curse out.

                “Sorry, but it works better if you don’t expect it.” River grumbled under her breath, still massaging her shoulder, which had been dislocated after a particularly angry alien chased them through a forest full of thorny trees. Her sleeve had been caught in a thorn while she was running at top speed, which had wrenched her arm at an awkward angle. One very disconcerting pop and crack later, she was in some of the worst pain of her life. On the flipside, she had still managed to gun down the alien and make it into the TARDIS without passing out or throwing up. The latter actually did happen, but thankfully it was in the med bay.

                “Shouldn’t Rory have done that?”

                “But he’s in London with Amy. I didn’t want to bother them. That, and I still don’t think he’s forgiven me for your last injury.”

                “So you risked my permanent shoulder function just to avoid facing up to my father? We are adults, Sweetie. That means we can do adult things and you shouldn’t be weird about it.”

                “He punched me in the face!”

                “Tough shit. Let’s go let him have a look at this so I’m not crippled.”

                “River-“

                “Shut up.”

                As it turns out, Rory had not forgiven the Doctor, and proceeded to punch him the face, again.

**River: 3**

**Doctor: 0**

 

******

 

                So far, this was the most mundane of River’s injuries. She insisted that it was just a concussion, but the fact still remained that she had not been able to get out of bed without almost losing her stomach contents and feeling dizzy.

                It was stupid really. She was stuck in Stormcage, on lockdown, just because she had nearly killed a man in a fight during one of their times in the prison yard. The guards were exaggerating.  Honestly, it was just a cracked skull and a shattered orbital bone. He would live. None the less, lockdown ensued.

                “So he did get a few good hits in.”

                “No he did not. He threw me into a wall.” The Doctor was sitting in a chair by River’s bed. He snickered. Seriously, he could be a jackass when he felt like it. This was one of those times.

                “It doesn’t count!”

                “Yes it does. River, you’ve been laid up in bed for five days. It definitely counts.”

                “Does not. Also, I haven’t been laid in five days. Could you help with that?”

                “Not a chance. Don’t want you passing out on me, or worse.” River mumbled under her breath.

                “What was that River?”

                “I said I could just lay here, let you do all the work. A girl has her needs Doctor.”

                “Yes, but this girl also has a severe concussion because she got in a fight with a guy twice her size.”

                “Doctor?”

                “Yes Dear?”

                “Fuck off.”

**River: 4**

**Doctor: 0**

 

******

 

                This time when River visited her parents, she was wearing a sling on her right arm, had a black eye, a split lip, and a mortified look in her eye. Amy immediately started grilling her for details, while Rory looked around for the Doctor to take his anger out on.

                “Relax Dad, this was Jack’s fault. We were going shopping on one of those planets that would make Irene Adler blush, and there was an incident with a clothes vaporizer and an army of Sontarans.”

                “What!?” Amy and Rory exclaimed in unison. River turned a bright vermillion, but continued anyway.

                “I will say, it’s an interesting thing to fight buck arse nude with your best friend. Brought us closer, I’d say.”

                Amy and Rory relentlessly grilled River for details for about the next half hour. Actually, it was all Amy. Rory left the room whenever something unsavory came up, which was mostly all of it. Amy wanted to know what she bought, if they could go there sometime, and if River had been there with the Doctor. River said yes. (Rory accidentally halted his very loud and incessant humming in the next room just in time to hear this statement. He broke a tea cup.) Unfortunately, the Doctor chose the next moment to appear in the entryway just in time to receive yet another punch in the face from Rory.

                “Again?! Seriously Rory!” shouted Amy from the sitting room.

 

**River: 5**

**Doctor: 1**


End file.
